[0:00] I'm recording this podcast episode at the end of the summer term, just before the schools are breaking up, and I am having these conversations over and over again with my clients, with my friends, with myself in my own head. So today I'm shining a light on it. I'm recording this episode in solidarity with you today. You're listening to the life friendly business podcast where we lift the lid on the reality of running a business around family life and shine a light on the mindset gremlins which may well be stopping you from stepping into your zone of genius i'm erin the life friendly business mentor and i'm here to empower you to succeed through personalized support strategic business training and ongoing mentorship. Let's work together to champion your goals and ignite your potential so that you can create your very own life-friendly business.
[1:06] I just want to take the opportunity to say thank you so much for listening to this podcast. And for those of you who've reached out to me to let me know what's been resonating and what you found useful and helpful. It honestly means so much because when you host a podcast, you have no idea who is really listening unless they let you know. So thank you and please do reach out. I would love you to share the podcast on social media and let people know why you're enjoying it. I would love you to subscribe. It really helps the podcast. If
[1:38] you can do that on your favourite podcast player, that would be amazing. But back to the topic in hand, the invisible load. This is the mental and emotional weight that we carry as women, often unconscious, but it's about making sure that everyone is cared for, safe and nurtured. It's all the things that are going on in your head, taking up space, overwhelming you, making you feel like you don't have a moment to think. It's the school admin. It's the kid admin. It's the home admin.
[2:21] It's the family admin. It's the finance admin. It's the caring for parents admin. It's the decision making every single day, multiple times a day. It's the planning of daily life. What are we going to have for dinner today? I cannot tell you how much it would change my life not to have to think about that. What are we eating today? Oh, oh my goodness.
[2:53] Often as women, we are the primary carers. And even when the father is in the same room, the kids will choose to call for us. When we're upstairs, when we're doing other things, it all seems to fall on our shoulders. Now, this is not an anti-man message. This is not an anti-man podcast, but this is a recognition of what we as women are carrying. And like I say, it might be unconscious. It's not necessarily something that we are consciously choosing to do, but it is so ingrained in us to be taking care of all these things around us, to carry that weight in our own heads all of the time. Forgive me here because I am going to make some huge generalisations, but I would be interested to know if these feel true for you. Because what I find is that we are often the default parent when the children are sick. We are the ones that have to cancel all of our plans and stay at home. When the school holidays are coming up, it's often the woman that is expected to make arrangements to look after the kids or sort that out.
[4:17] And the generalisation that I'm going to make here, which is from my own experience and from those around me, is that part of what comes into this is the fact that if you're in a relationship, that the man has continued earning while you've been off on maternity leave, having children. And, you know, it might not just be six months or nine months, it might be years that you've taken out of your career in order to raise this family. And your salary has basically been frozen in time, whereas his salary has kept growing and the promotions and all those things. So, you get to a point when the kids are at school whereby the woman is actually earning a lot less than the man. So, it feels like there's this default thing that if the kids need to be off school, it's the woman that should take the time out. And of course, for many of us, we have decided to leave our previous careers and start our own businesses, which, as we all know, are slow to grow.
[5:21] So we might not be contributing equally to the household income. And therefore, it feels like the obvious choice that the woman should be off with the kids. Now, like I say, I know I appreciate there are exceptions to this and I am making generalisations here. But these are the things that we face challenges with and it's not only that it's the emotional load because yes I'm saying that perhaps it's not fair that it's often the woman that has to stay off school when the child is sick but the reality is is that you know we have this kind of heart pulled moment where we actually want to be the ones caring for our children when they're sick We want to be the ones that go off to hospital for appointments or go and see the GP for appointments because we carry this emotional load. We want to nurture. We want to make people feel safe.
[6:18] Sadly, after COVID and the pandemic and lockdown, where so much pressure was put on parents with homeschooling, you know, I heard a stat that 82% of parents have symptoms of parental burnout. There have been a lot of mental health issues with children. Many of the women that I work with in my community are having to navigate this now, trying to look after their children with mental health issues. And so we're trying to do that. And that's the kind of thing, you know, when your child is suffering, that it's just always there with you when you're trying to then build your business. So there is just such a lot that we are holding onto. We are not only trying to look after ourselves, we're actually looking after everyone else and our own needs get shoved down to the bottom of the list. I almost feel like it's kind of like a tattoo that's in our brain of what the daily routine is and what's happening with the kids at school or when so-and-so needs to take their medication. It's just all in our heads. It's like an automatic checklist of what needs to happen and when.
[7:34] Now, I can only talk about my husband and, you know, my friend's husbands when we've been talking about this. But, you know, there is no doubt that my husband is incredibly practical. And yes, he does a lot around the house. But the difference between us is that it's always in my head what needs to come next.
[7:56] And he is very happy to go out shopping and buy something for dinner. But he wants me to tell him what to cook and what we need to buy in order to cook it. And for me, this is part of the invisible load.
[8:10] This is the stuff that we are carrying on a daily basis.
[8:13] Now, it's been a while since I went on one of my Burley Manor retreats. So for those of you who are new to the podcast, I went through, you know, a couple of years of going maybe every quarter to this beautiful New Forest Hotel and having a solo retreat.
[8:31] I know some people said to me, wow, like the idea of going somewhere alone is absolutely terrifying. But I cannot tell you how liberating it is to take yourself off to a hotel, to sit in a restaurant and eat on your own. If you have never done this, if you're scared to do it, I would love to challenge you to try it. Take a book with you, but you will gradually realize that actually you feel more and more comfortable the more you do it. But the reason I love going to Burley so much is that I do not have to have this automatic checklist in my head. It's kind of the only way that I can really switch off my brain from those automatic timings of the day, the five o'clock. Oh, God, I need to start cooking dinner now. What am I actually going to cook? And like and now it's time to do bath time and now it's time for bedtime and then in the morning right school lunch being made when I take myself off to a hotel all of that is left behind me and that is my true sense of peace and headspace which then helps me to really focus on my business and creative and strategy things that I do while I am away but obviously it's not always possible to take yourself off to a hotel.
[9:52] It's definitely a lovely treat to be able to have, but it's not something practical that we can be disappearing off, especially if you are a single parent. So how do we manage this? How do we manage this invisible load, which we are carrying all the time, which will undoubtedly be affecting the
[10:12] way that we show up for our business? One of the core principles of a life-friendly business is being the best boss to yourself that you can be. So it's about recognising times when this invisible load is double what it normally is and end of school term is often the time that does it for so many of us.
[10:34] And the load and the responsibility that we carry changes over time. Not everyone listening to this podcast will have children, but you might have other people that you're caring for in your life. You might have another job that you're doing alongside running your business. But for those of us with children, as they get older, this changes. You know, you go from the phase where they're babies and toddlers and you need to try and keep them alive. And not hurting themselves. And then as they come into the teens, they don't really want you, but they absolutely need you and their needs are changing and that we have to adapt to them. So this is an ongoing process. The invisible load changes and evolves over time.
[11:25] So what can we do here? What can we do? I mean, the first step is acknowledging that this is what it is and And recognising the fact that if you're feeling overwhelmed by all this stuff going on, it is not surprising and you are also not alone. And so speaking to other people and talking to them about how they're feeling can really help you feel less alone in this. And it's not at all that you are failing, that you're not doing a good enough job because everyone else seems to be managing it OK. Okay, you only need to have a two minute honest conversation with someone else to recognise the fact that they are feeling this too. And that's one thing that, you know, I really do champion is like, let's be real here. Let's not put on this front of pretending that everything's okay when it's not because it doesn't help anyone. It doesn't help you and it doesn't help the people that you're speaking to. So let's be honest about the challenges that we're facing and support each other in that without judgment. So I'm going to share some tips that have helped me over the years with the invisible load, but I'm not going to pretend that this is something that you can banish. I think it's about managing it and it's about adapting to it and recognizing
[12:41] that it is going to affect the way that you show up for your business. So the first tip really is to reflect.
[12:49] Life stuff in the schedule that you create for yourself you know it's so easy to feel like you know well this is the plan and these are the timings that I need to stick to and that's just how it is but actually if it's coming to the end of school term for example and you've got kids there is a whole bucket load of school admin that goes on there's plays to attend sports days to attend, forms to fill out, extra care for the kids because they're exhausted and they often behave really badly because they're so tired and then that gets us stressed out. So why would you schedule something really full on in your business during that period? You'd be crazy to.
[13:33] But so many of us feel like, well, it shouldn't be affecting how I show up in the business. Well, let's be real here. It is going to affect it. So the best thing is to kind of plan around it and think that's the whole idea of kind of taking this life-friendly approach to your business, looking at the year and looking at the areas where there are bottlenecks, perhaps there are particular seasons for you that get more busy or less busy and planning around that. So recognising all the things that you've got going on in your life and planning your work around those things rather than planning your work as though life doesn't exist and then trying to wedge life stuff into the gaps.
[14:17] That is just an absolute recipe for overwhelm and burnout.
[14:21] The second tip is about regular brain dumps. I am a list maker. I love my list. Every morning, every Monday morning in my CEO time, I rewrite my list. So if there's stuff that I haven't done from the week before, I put it in a fresh list. I like to have a fresh list for the week ahead. But sometimes that's not enough. Sometimes a weekly list is not enough. I also need to get my A3 paper out and do a nice spider diagram and put everything down there, especially when you've You've got multiple projects going on. But the benefit of doing these brain dumps is that it means that you're not carrying all of this around in your head, all of your business tasks swirling with all of your life tasks. And just like this perfect storm, which leads us to just suddenly getting to this point where we either get ill or we just shut down and we just think, I can't take anymore. So regular brain dumping. Also, you know, then once you've got them out of your head, you can then rank them in order of priority. This is actually something I love doing with my mentoring clients as well, because I love that whole thing of getting everything out and untangling it and then basically like laying out the string neatly again so that they've got a plan to follow.
[15:43] You also need to think about what you can be delegating. Now, some of you might be working completely on your own in your business and not have any support. And I know, you know, I've been there. I know that's a really difficult place to be. And if you're not ready to get support, you might be thinking, well, how can I delegate anything? But what about things in your life? Are there things to do with caring for other people, responsibilities with the kids that you could speak to people around you and see what you could do so that they can help you more, especially if your kids are old enough as well. Could they take on extra tasks, for example, around the house? At times like this right now, the end of term when everything is heightened.
[16:29] It's super important to be revisiting your boundaries and thinking about the things that you need in order to thrive and stay resilient.
[16:40] I know we had a self-mastery themed month in the Cocoon membership. And, you know, some people were like, I'm too busy. I'm too busy to do this. But my argument back to that is if you actually do some self-development work, some personal development work, even if it's 10 minutes, all these little things that you're doing are going going to help you build resilience and be able to cope with busy times better. Because when we're busy, we need to be making sure that we are really sharp and that we are going to be making the best decisions that we can. So in order to do that, we need to protect ourselves, we need to protect our energy. And that's where boundaries come in. So what are the things that you actually need to say no to in that moment? You know, we're all people pleasers, aren't we? So many of us. But what are the things that we're saying yes to that are taking us away from the things that we really need to be doing and once you've decided what those non-negotiables are for you you need to communicate them so whether that's communicating them with your clients with your friends with your partner with your kids you need to actually communicate these and verbalize them there's you know there's no point in you having this list of things in your head that you know you'll feel better if you're able to do, but then not putting anything in place to actually support that.
[18:02] You also need to find a way to switch your brain off. Now, obviously, I talked about going to my Burley Manor hotel, which is wonderful, but that's not practical for a day-to-day basis. So many of us are running businesses on social media as well, and it's just so hard to tear yourself away from your mobile phone, but we need to do it. So experiment what you need in order to give yourself permission to switch off. You know, maybe it's meditation, like there's loads of free meditations on YouTube.
[18:38] Mindfulness. I did a mindfulness course just before COVID hit, which was actually perfect timing. But there are things like Insight Timer, which is a free app that you can literally do five minute mindfulness exercises. Exercises the one thing that you know to say as well about meditation and mindfulness if you're a bit apprehensive is this isn't about like emptying your brain and like not having any thoughts it's actually about recognizing the thoughts and allowing them to float by and I love like lying in bed sometimes when my brain can't switch off I just do that whole thing of thinking about each thought like a cloud and just letting it float on by rather than getting caught up in what that thought is. So just to say, if you are apprehensive about that, meditation and mindfulness is not about like literally expecting your brain to stop worrying, but it's about allowing those things to float on and kind of let go of those thoughts and just acknowledge them as they pass. So anyway, that's my take on doing that. Also, you know, maybe going out for walks, listening to podcasts, listening to nice calming music, doing yoga, you know, having time alone. What are the things that you need in order to allow your brain to switch off
[19:54] from the invisible load and all the things that you're carrying around on a daily basis? And the last thing is, is that we need to give ourselves grace.
[20:03] You know, we're not superhuman and we're trying to manage so much. And if you hadn't really heard the term, the invisible load before, I bet you recognize some of those feelings that I'm talking about. And I bet you recognize all of those thoughts that are whizzing around in your head on a daily basis.
[20:22] And this is something that we carry as women and we need to recognize it and we need to talk about it. And that's why we need to build our businesses in a way that honours the fact that we are often primary carers and we do want to make people feel safe and nurtured around us. If you're feeling the strain with motherhood and juggling that with business, I would love you to listen to episode 63, The Unspoken Truth About Motherhood, because that will shine even more light on how you might be feeling and why you might be feeling like you are right now. So just to recap my tips for helping manage the invisible load. Number one is to reflect your life in your work schedule.
[21:13] Make sure that you're looking at the time ahead and thinking about the stuff that you've got going on in your life that may well impact the way that you can show up for your business. And instead of trying to power through actually adapt your work schedule to fit that number two make time for regular brain dumps so that you're not carrying all of your work thoughts around in your head in fact all of your life thoughts as well like you can have a brain dump of life admin tasks as well number three is looking at delegating and you know the things that you could maybe get help with. Also, some things could be deleted from your.
[21:54] List. So think about what you've agreed to do that actually you could say no to. Number four is communicating what you need to those around you. So this is about setting your own boundaries so that you can manage your energy and avoid overwhelm and then communicating that to your clients, to your friends, to your partner, to your kids so that you can ring fence and protect those boundaries. And number five is to find a way to switch your brain off. We need to be doing this. Maybe on a Sunday, you decide not to go on social media at all. Maybe you set yourself a curfew every night for when you're going to turn your phone off.
[22:38] Meditation, mindfulness, walking, yoga, spending time with friends, spending time alone. What is it that you need in order to give yourself permission to just like remove the invisible load for a short period of time while you can. And lastly, number six is to give yourself grace, to treat yourself with compassion, to recognize the fact that you are holding an awful lot. And this can change throughout the year, depending on what's going on in your life. And sometimes it feels like a massive weight to bear. So find someone that you can confide in, that you can talk this through with, reach out and get the support and know that we are here in solidarity with you. See you next week. If you're ready to take your business to the next level but are not quite sure what the next best step is, fill out the form at lifefriendlybusiness.com forward slash next step and I'll get back to you personally with bespoke advice on how to move forward. I look forward to connecting.
