[0:00] From chaos to calm, we're going to be talking today all about boundaries. I'm chatting to Mahnaz Sharif, a work-life management mentor and host of the Build With Boundaries podcast. We're going to be looking at the importance of setting and respecting boundaries, both in your business and in your personal life. We're going to be talking about self-awareness, time management, and how to take a more mindful approach to work-life balance. You're listening to the life friendly business podcast where we lift the lid on the reality of running a business around family life and shine a light on the mindset gremlins which may well be stopping you from stepping into your zone of genius i'm erin the life friendly business mentor and i'm here to empower you to succeed through personalized support strategic business training and ongoing mentorship. Let's work together to champion your goals and ignite your potential so that you can create your very own life-friendly business.
[1:12] Hi, Manaz. Lovely to have you on the podcast today. Thank you so much, Erin. I'm excited to be here. Thanks for the invitation. You're welcome. And I know we've got very aligned values when it comes to how we should be approaching or how we can approach, not necessarily should, our businesses. But first of all, I'd love to hear a bit of background on you and how you started running your own business in the first place.
[1:39] Absolutely. Well, the key moment in my life, which was probably key for a lot of people, was when lockdown hit. So I was sitting at the dining table and I was trying to work. I had set up my own business already. And I was trying to work and everybody was walking in and out and just talking to me, interrupting me, distracting me, doing all the things, pretending I wasn't working. My kids were a little bit younger then. They, They were, I think, one was at high school and one was at primary.
[2:12] But my husband was home and he'd taken over the office space because he had a proper job and, you know, all these type of things. So it was very difficult for me to navigate that time. And I realised very, very quickly as soon as lockdown hit, because, I mean, like everybody else, we didn't know what we were getting into. To we didn't know how long it would take and we also didn't know what kind of support our family would need so having younger children and being the mum you know we take it all on us that we have to be there for everyone and I thought right I realized and recognized I'd fall into this overworking trap so I could see that I had gone from two extremes of first never actually finding that dream of what I wanted to do and then when I did have the moment to do that I fell into the overworking trap so I knew I had to change that because I you know for my own health and my family's well-being as well I had to pull myself back so I had to get myself out of this addictive.
[3:18] Overworking cycle because when you're at the dining table you can't close the door and walk away and there's always those thoughts as an entrepreneur anyway of what you haven't done and you know oh if I just do a little bit here and you know get through some work but it in truth it never ends and we have to create our own boundaries and that was the first thing for me I realized like I had to have more structure in my day and have boundaries that actually helped me to look after myself and it also allowed me to be there as a business owner and also so obviously fair for my family too. And that's when it all began.
[3:59] I had a moment of reflection looking back, in my past and looking at a really difficult and challenging time. My mum was chronically ill and she was then diagnosed with cancer. And I had this kind of moment of reflection, like my mum never asked herself, what do I want for my life? What do I want to leave behind? And what do I want to do? What do I feel I want to do? That inner knowing of what you want to do.
[4:27] And I saw a reflection of myself in her and realized that you know if I just continued on I wasn't really doing what I wanted and I was you know always meeting this kind of friction and this mum guilt you know when you're doing things you're constantly feeling that guilt whether you're with your children you want to be in your business when you're with you in your business you're working then you feel guilty about not being there and avoiding or sacrificing time or not being there not being fully present isn't. So those were the kind of thoughts that were coming to me. And I thought, I have to change this. And I knew I had to do that. So that's when I made a difficult decision to change my business. So I would already had something working. And I was like, well, it's not working for me in the way I need it to. So it was a product business. And I thought, I have got knowledge. I have got skills. I have got lived experience. What is it that I can do?
[5:24] And that's when I started to get into the mentoring space and I thought I want to I'm really passionate about helping other women and business and even with my product business I was supporting a lot of female-led businesses so it just made sense that's where my passion lies but I just didn't know how I wanted to help them so step by step that was a process and through my journey you know I then created my harmony blueprint, which is helping others to create that harmony in their life, because there's all these moving parts in your life.
[6:01] And you don't want to compromise on one for the other. You know, we can have it all. And that's why I want to help other mums to know that there is another way.
[6:10] They don't have to be doing it the hard way. And sometimes we just can't see what that looks like and how to even take that first step for ourselves. Just like, you know, when I was back in that time. So I want to use that to help others to be able to lay the foundation of how they want to be in control and feel empowered to be able to do that. So you're right, you know, Erin, everything you talk about the life friendly business, you know, that speaks to me so much. And no wonder, you know, we've had some fabulous conversations already.
[6:45] So, yeah, that's pretty much that's where my build with boundaries came about. So taking us back to the, you know, the memory of sitting at the kitchen table during lockdown, what that really brings back for me is I remember sitting there with my son who would have been, what, six or seven doing the homeschooling. And, you know, sitting there with him and thinking, I'm going to be mindful now and I'm going to be sat here and helping him with his homework. work. And then when they're actually getting on with it, you find your brain going, Oh, I could really quickly do this. I could really quickly do that. And then I would get my phone out and I would start going on emails. And then he'd be like, mom, how, what about this? And then I'd like snap, like, and I'd be irritated. And it's.
[7:35] It's the most horrible cycle to get into because like that was totally my fault because I could not sit still and just be there in that moment because my brain was rushing ahead to all the other things I could be doing with this time and then what that meant is that I took out on him and then the mum guilt comes in right you know and I think that that that period during lockdown I think you know, one positive thing that maybe came out for many of us was that time of reflection, like.
[8:07] Is this how I want to be, how I want to feel? So yeah, I can really see that that was kind of the catalyst for you. Yeah, absolutely. And I think that's just it when we realise and have that insight about ourselves and know that the only person who can do anything to change that is ourselves right and you know whether you need to get that support whether you need to get help coaching mentoring or whatever else you don't have to do on your own but just recognizing what is going to be helpful for you we get stuck it's almost like having being in the in the center of a storm you know everything is is going around moving and we just don't know where to focus our our energy. So we just end up being scattered all over the place and it's not helpful. And like you said, I think, you know, what you were talking about was being present with your son. And we can't be present when we're constantly thinking about something else. You know, that brings us on to multitasking.
[9:12] Do you know, like, we just assume that it's the best thing to do, but is it? Have we ever questioned that? And, you know, taking that moment and I think having that reflection is really powerful.
[9:24] I think as well that, you know, especially when one of the biggest challenges we face is overwhelm with all the things that, you know, not only have we got the invisible load as mothers with all the stuff we're thinking about with the family and caring for people and all those things, but then it's all the other tasks that we have to do in our business. And it just becomes a bit paralyzing, doesn't it? And, you know, we're not making the best decisions from that place either. That so what what's your definition of boundaries okay well the the basic definition of boundaries is a real or imagined line that marks the edge or limit of something but I think, you know when we don't know when something ends we just continue on with it when we don't know when something else begins we don't start with it it's that whole like understanding and you can think of this like that whole um circular sphere of influence and control like what is inside our control and what is outside and understanding like the boundaries are actually helpful it's not something that is that anybody is attracted to right let's face it nobody says i want to get myself some really rigid boundaries because they're going to help me nobody Nobody says that, but it's a tool. And...
[10:51] The reason that we can get into this idea of not having them is because we do feel that constantly we are playing tug-of-war with all our things on our to-do list. We're fighting, you know, other things are fighting for our attention all of the time. And this just kind of amplifies in our head. And so therefore, we're not able to focus fully 100% on one thing. And this can really be detrimental to our productivity because we can be so much more efficient and effective if we just knew how to work with ourselves better and what I often find is even before we even get into the boundaries it all starts from understanding ourselves better because if we don't understand what comes easy to us.
[11:47] What is difficult for us what is most natural and kind of you know playing to our strengths we can't really play to them when we often don't actually see what our strengths are because if I'm totally honest I don't think any one of us knows ourself the way that we could know ourselves, and this is where I've been bringing in human design into my work and it's been fascinating because you get to see yourself and your gifts and what comes to you naturally and easily in a different way because you sometimes don't recognise what sometimes other people see and sometimes it's things that you know but you haven't really understood that they're these strengths for you.
[12:35] So I think before we even get into the boundaries, we really need to figure out who we are and truly accept who we are because that's another thing right because this one thing is knowing yourself and then another is acknowledging and accepting that and in the deepest way that we actually feel like we understand ourselves so we're not there's not this inner conflict going on constantly battling with
[13:03] what we think we need and what we actually need inside, if that makes sense. Yeah. And I think, you know, one thing I always think about is it's about being really aware of what you need in order to thrive.
[13:17] And, you know, that's where we often put our own needs to the back of the back of the pile. And it's, you know, and it's, it's important that we do, you know, maybe it's like, actually, I really need to exercise three times a week. That makes me feel good. Maybe it's, I need to make sure that I have time alone to rejuvenate. And that's what I need for my creativity. Maybe it's like time in nature. and until we understand that about ourselves it you're not going to be able to implement that into your life so that whole self-discovery and you know and as well I find that a good way to think about if you don't have boundaries in place a good kind of the symptoms that come from that are like I mentioned about sitting at the kitchen table with my son I felt really irritable with him and like and if you're feeling irritable with people and maybe you're feeling irritable about things in your business that's a sign to say well hang on a minute you you're missing a boundary here to protect yourself from that yes absolutely and another really good sign is when we feel like we don't have enough time because we'll we'll always say that and sometimes it's a bit of a mask or an excuse because we don't want to prioritize something and that's fair enough but understanding like why we are saying that.
[14:40] And if that time limitation, how that's actually affecting you, because we all pile ourselves up with work and we do tend to assume we can get a lot more done than we can.
[14:53] And sometimes we're also at fault for not pushing ourselves and not getting the right things done. But it's because of our approach to how we work. And if we are focusing on things that aren't really that important or not creating better ways of working that actually serve us in the long run then that can definitely have an impact and you know we all have this typically mums have the similar kind of working hours type of thing and this is something that I worked very hard at and it's only it's been over about a year and a half now I've gone down to a four-day week and it was always on my list of like I want to do this but it's until you don't give yourself permission that you know you can do that now like what are you waiting for and I think other mums need to hear this as well because you can be really efficient in the time that you have it doesn't matter what that time is but again that's where the boundaries come in like you understanding what you need and you understanding how you can be present in your business and also you know when your kids are home kind of not just nodding along and you know your children are saying mum mum you're not listening to me you know not having those conversations instead actually being there like fully present and immersing and taking those moments in.
[16:18] I think the really good point about the time and time mindset is such a huge thing And I know if I have a whole day to work ahead of me with no calls booked in and I think, oh, amazing, I'm going to get loads done that day. I tell you what, I don't. I don't. I'm like, oh, I've got all day. It's that whole thing about like time just expands like gas.
[16:42] And, you know, whatever time slot you have got to get stuff done, it will expand. If I'm in that situation now, I take myself to a coffee shop. I'll spend two hours in the coffee shop I'll get pretty much everything I was planning to get done in two hours so when we're thinking about I don't have enough time to do things and obviously you know that depending on child care and all those things like you may literally only have a couple of hours a day or even every other day whatever it is but it's about what you do in that time and so it's about like you say prioritizing and knowing where to focus your time and if you you don't know what that is, that's when you reach out to get help from a mentor or whatever it is. Absolutely. And it's being intentional with that time. Like, you know, we have to have a strategy. We have to have a plan without, you know, planning, failing to plan is.
[17:34] Planning to fail as they say and another thing for mums is that when we have those small pockets of time it almost feels like well there's no point in starting well actually having small pockets of time and being really intentional with that I mean if you've heard of the pomodoro technique or you know all these like everything tells us that when we create that boundary which is effectively what you're doing by putting a 20 minute timer on what can i get done in that time you are creating that way that you're wanting to work so you're just hyper focused on and getting on with that one thing and easier said than done i completely understand and that's why it's difficult for some people find it easier to create habits and other people they might take longer time but it doesn't mean it's impossible and we can only try and improve from where we are you know rather than looking at other people just where you are how can that get better how can that get better and I think always having that step-by-step approach because until we don't take that action we're never going to see the benefits and when you see the benefits you're just like oh my goodness like I work a four-day week and I used to work a seven-day week I've never worked so much in my.
[18:54] Life until I became an entrepreneur where I was working evenings and weekends and to go from that to reducing my hours by nearly what 50% with something like 45 to 50% which really made me think and I get more done now than I did then like you know that's telling us something and we have to see these examples to know that it is possible.
[19:17] What other examples of putting boundaries in place have been helping your clients?
[19:23] Boundaries, goodness. So boundaries can look very different. Obviously, there are so many different ways. I think a key one for mums is this whole work and when you're not working. Because there doesn't tend to be a clear cut, like I have finished work here. And when you're working from home and you're a mum and your kids have come home or you've gone and picked them up, you might be like, right, I'll just go back and do this thing.
[19:54] It's very tempting as an entrepreneur, but I think having those boundaries is super, super powerful. It's like having bookends on your bookshelf for your working day. And I always say that I think starting with something like that is really helpful because that's just like we're not even going into any boundaries with people and getting difficult this is just simply when do you want to start and stop your time right it sounds simple but how often do we all do that I mean there are always times that maybe your business needs something else And it should be a one-off rather than a normal and creating what's normal for you in your business, like understanding what you need and having those bookends. I think it's really helpful. So if any listeners are thinking, where do I start? I think that's a great place to begin. I think having a little ritual as well at the end of the day when you're like, I'm switching off now. Now, like for me, so I'm lucky that I do have an office space in the house, which is linked to the playroom. So it's not exactly like, you know, but I so I leave my computer open all day. So I'll just like keep popping in, sitting down, doing some work.
[21:10] If I leave my computer open in the evening, I know that a thought will pop into my head. Oh, actually, I could do that. And I'll go in and I'll just get straight back into the computer. And of course what happens then is a child needs me and then I feel irritated because I'm like, you're injecting me, I'm in the middle of this. Whereas if I say, right, it's three o'clock or whatever it is.
[21:34] I'm going to stop now. If I like mindfully shut down my computer and I know that like, I'll have that thought of, oh, I could do this. And I go back to my computer and I see it shut down and it makes me stop. And then I go on my phone and I go to my calendar and I create a task instead for the next day.
[21:54] And that is game changing. And you know, my husband is a self-employed entrepreneur as well. And he is so reactive. I mean, I think it's impossible to coach your own husband, but he is so reactive that he will literally think, oh, I need to do this Canva image. And no matter what time it is, no matter what's going on, he'll get his laptop out and he'll be straight in it. And then he's zoned out of everything else. And it drives me nuts. And so it's really helped me as well too, because, you know, these are the things that you see in other people and you're like I don't want to do that because I know that I want to be present in this moment but it's all those things it's like it's a really small thing but just mindfully pressing shut down instead of putting it on to sleep you know with your I love that I love that and it's not until you've said that I've realized that is actually what I do and I think the power of switching that off means that you walk away and you know that you can't have an excuse like the computer is waiting for me because it almost feels like if it's on sleep you're waiting to do something and our brain has got too many thoughts going on as it is adding this extra thing about.
[23:12] Needing to do something like the world is not going to nothing's going to end you know nobody's going to die just because you didn't do an extra hour's work and can it wait until tomorrow like you've just shared perfect example like write that down i mean i i normally if it's really important i'll if i've got my phone i can put it into my notes i use trello or i'll just scribble it in my diary for the next day and it's like if it's something like a really high priority like i don't want to forget this I'll just stick it in at the start of the day for the next morning so that I see it you get it out of your head I think this is the other thing we just add things to our to-do list that's up here and that's not helpful no and I think that what happens is we kid ourselves that we think oh but it will only take a minute so I'll just get it done now but what is then switching from parent mode from wife mode partner mode whatever it is into work mode doing something and then you're expecting yourself to be able to switch off and relax yeah it's like you know it's it's helping ourselves out here by by having those boundaries so what's a good way that we can change how we're approaching our boundaries and how we're viewing that?
[24:28] Yes. So I think that this is the key that if we don't feel that we need boundaries or to work on our boundaries, because I mean, we all have boundaries, right? Even if they're non-existent or people are walking all over them, they're still there. And chances are, if you try and implement things, it will feel like everybody around you resists them because you've never had them before. For example, I've been there, done that. I know how that feels. So I want to change how people view boundaries because I think that's so important to change our perspective.
[25:03] And as I said before, I don't think boundaries feel attractive. The word and the whole thing, it almost feels like either you are putting yourself in a cage or you're putting somebody else in a cage. And either way, you're pushing things away, you're distancing yourself. And that is not what boundaries are about. So I'm going to share four incredible ways that boundaries can support you. And hopefully this is a bit more visual and it'll give you a different sense of what boundaries are. So boundaries can be your shield and what they do is they protect your time your energy and your dreams and when you're setting boundaries you're basically saying my dreams matter and my well-being is a priority boundaries can be your clock so they can help you manage your time efficiently, setting limits on when and how you work this will then allow you to be more present with your family which is obviously what matters the most to us mums. Boundaries can also be our voice because they are here to communicate our needs and desires and when we're not afraid to express what's important to us then it becomes part of our self-care and it's not selfish setting that up.
[26:24] And boundaries can also be our pathway because they create the space for us to achieve the professional dreams that we want without compromising on that enjoyment with our family. So it's like having this guiding pathway and we just need to know how to stay within that path.
[26:46] So those are the four ways that I wanted to share with you. So they can be your
[26:50] shield, your clock, your voice or your pathway. And they just feel, you know, how does that feel in terms of boundaries to you, Erin? I think that is so lovely and really, yeah, I think it creates, it makes them feel like a really positive tool to be able to use.
[27:10] And I know that you're providing a boundary clock worksheet as well that people can download. So I'm going to put that in the show notes. mouth yes I am indeed I think what's difficult with boundaries is we can't see what that looks like for us like where are we now if we don't understand where we are now we can't even work out where we're wanting to go so I've designed this worksheet where you can create this visual representation of what your boundaries look like now and I always encourage everyone to print it off and walk away from the tech even go outside and sit outside if you're lucky enough to get some sun you can be in your garden and just take some you know coloring pens and just, have a look at what your boundaries look like now it's an exercise for you and you'll get these insights and realize like what that means for you and it's very difficult to do that but I think doing it visually is really powerful.
[28:06] What would you say to a woman who might be listening to this podcast and thinking that sounds amazing and it really sounds like something that I need to do but I'm basically living in survival mode right now.
[28:21] Goodness, right. Well, I think the first thing, when you feel like you're in this firefighting mode and you're just trying to deal with the day, I think the first thing that we all have to do is just gift ourselves a little bit of time. And sometimes that's just, it can be five minutes at night time before you go to bed. It can be five minutes in the morning before everybody else wakes up i mean i've been there in those moments when you feel you don't have the time actually need that the most and i think sometimes just pausing that five minute it can be just listening to nothing be sitting in silence you know i used to love doing that just sitting in a nice dark room on my own with nobody there are and just listening to nothing, you know, sometimes that is so powerful. And I think.
[29:13] Giving yourself permission that you can not only do that, you need it, and you can actually help other people better by doing that. Five minutes in the morning, five minutes at night, it's not a lot, is it? What we actually look after for the rest of the day when you put that into context.
[29:31] Absolutely. Thank you so much. And how can people get in contact with you? I'm over on LinkedIn, so feel free to connect with me, Banaz Sharif, on LinkedIn. Send me a dm and yeah i've got a podcast so you can check that out too build with boundaries podcast and yeah you're the link for the boundary clock will be in the show notes buildwithboundaries.com slash clock so i look forward to seeing what your insights are and i think it's just so exciting when we can look at things differently and things start to change because we look at things differently and it is so powerful and it's absolutely possible for for all of us so yeah thank you so much Erin. Thank you that was wonderful thanks.
[30:20] Having clarity on where you are now what you want to achieve and how you're going to get there is the crucial first step for designing your plan for business growth. Download my free clarity workbook now at lifefriendlybusiness.com forward slash clarity workbook and feel clearer within just 20 minutes.
