We’ve all been there, lying awake at 2am thinking about a difficult conversation that you need to have and running the different scenarios over and over again in your frazzled brain. Then in the morning you wake up dreading having the conversation that you need to have that day.

But it doesn’t need to be that way!

With a little preparation and a mindset shift, you can have a positive, fruitful conversation that doesn’t lead to an argument or burnt bridges.

I use the tips below as part of a wider feedback model when working with team leaders but they work in any situation; whether you are speaking to a client, subcontractor, making a complaint to a supplier or asking your partner for more support around the house.

Get your emotions balanced first

When someone under-delivers, makes unnecessary demands or upsets you it is tempting to charge in all guns blazing but having a conversation when you are still angry, frustrated or disappointed will rarely lead to positive results. Make sure you take time to calm down and release those negative emotions before having the discussion.

Whilst it is important to have these conversations as close to the events as possible; taking a short amount of time to get in the right frame of mind first will make all the difference.

If someone wants you to have the conversation before you are ready, then calmly say “I am not ready to have this conversation. I do want to talk it through but I can’t do it right now. We can chat when I’ve thought it through”.

Getting your emotions balanced out again isn’t always easy and the thoughts can run on an endless loop in your brain; you can stop this by getting them down on paper. Take some time and write everything down; it doesn’t have to be eloquent or even coherent, just write down everything that comes to mind. Then screw it up and throw it away!

If writing really isn’t your thing then find a quiet space and rant to yourself - get it all out, you’ll feel so much better!

Speak to someone! Don’t hold it all in, speak to someone who will listen and support you. Talking it through will help you to calm down, identify the core issue and help you to gain perspective.

Why is this important?

Sometimes when something upsets or annoys us or someone is underperforming we don’t immediately know why it is a big deal. We just feel frustrated or cross and it takes time to understand exactly what it is that has irked us or caused an issue.

Think about the impact it has had on you, other people or your business. Being able to communicate the impact will help you to identify what you want to change and why.

Sometimes people’s actions create a reaction because they are contrary to our values. When this happens it can feel deeply personal. Take some time to reflect on which of your values has been affected and whether the person has the same values. If they don’t then it is not personal at all, it is just that they don’t see the world in the same way as you and you need to find a compromise; from a place of understanding.

 Prepare for the conversation

Before having the conversation, fully prepare what you are going to say and practice it out loud to yourself (or a trusted friend/contact/fellow Cocoon Member!).

Rather than presenting a long list of individual examples which can feel overwhelming to the recipient; group the issues into themes and pick the top two or three (most recent or most serious) examples and stick to those

The more prepared you are, the more confident you’ll feel. Instead of relying on a full script,  which can make you sound stilted, focus on key points.

Think about:

• The key messages you need to communicate to get the desired outcome.
• Potential questions or objections the other person might bring up and prepare the answers.
• If you are anticipating an emotional response, plan how you will remain calm.
• Think about where you will have the chat, do them in private if being overheard adds extra anxiety.
• Leave enough time for the conversation; if it’s a client or supplier issue, book time in a time with them, so you don’t catch them at a bad time . If it is your partner at home, wait until you are both unoccupied and have the time and headspace to have the chat.
• Start the discussion by saying that you want to discuss something important with them with the aim of creating a positive change in the current situation.
• Let them know that they will have the chance to speak and you want to hear their side.
• Whilst you may think that you know why someone is doing something; 20 years in HR has taught me that people are full of surprises! Be prepared to put aside assumptions and judgements and listen with an open mind.

Practicing saying the phrases out loud means that you are not saying them for the first time in the conversation. This avoids your voice cracking, blurting or losing your nerve.

Extra tips for a supportive and positive conversation.

• Be yourself!

Giving feedback is not always easy and sometimes people start to use language that is not natural to them in order to sound more authoritative and professional. Try to avoid this, use language that you are comfortable with and just be yourself. The conversation will feel so much more natural that way.

• Accept the olive branch

If you are anticipating resistance and objections, it can be a surprise if you get an instant apology. In this situation, I have seen managers not acknowledge the apology and plough on with their prepared notes. If an apology is forthcoming, then acknowledge it and say thank you. Ask them if they understand why it is an important issue and if they do, move straight on to discussing how to improve and achieve a positive outcome.

• It’s not about scoring points

If the person is resistant or raises objections it is easy to get into a point scoring back and forth. Think siblings in the back of a car…

If you feel the conversation getting combative or competitive then take a breath; remind yourself (and them) that this is about getting a positive outcome and working together. Not a battle. Acknowledge how it is feeling and the goal of the conversation and then pick up the conversation on a better note.

No one likes having challenging conversations but they don’t always have to be arguments or burn bridges. Taking time to prepare can make all the difference in feeling in control of the conversation and the outcome. 

About Lisa...

Lisa Mountain Thompson is an experienced HR consultant and leadership coach specialising in practical, people-focused solutions for small businesses.

As the founder of Mountain HR, she helps business owners navigate employment rules and legislation, build strong teams and create inclusive companies. With nearly 20 years of HR experience across multiple sectors, Lisa provides straightforward advice, training and support that makes managing people simpler. She offers HR consultancy, up to date contracts, agreements and policies and ongoing HR support through her HR Retainer Service. Whether you are taking on your first freelancer or your 50th employee, Lisa can help you grow your business.

Discover how Lisa could support you here: Mountain HR